Why Michael Jackson Should Have Faked His Death

I used to be a huge Michael Jackson fan. I use past tense only because it has been eight years since he produced any new music, and eighteen since he released any good music. Not because I stopped loving his music. Not because he apparently, suddenly and mysteriously died. So I was surprised when I heard the news that I wasn't more upset. My immediate reaction was one of disbelief; dismissal, even. No way was it true.

I shared most people's instinctual reaction that it was a hoax. Possibly because we are always slow to accept the death of someone that we revere, but more likely because we have never really equated Michael Jackson with reality.

And then it dawned on me: there are some pretty compelling reasons as to why Jacko would be inspired to stage his own death.

No more money worries
During his life he has been plagued with controversy, most recently over his staggering financial ruin. Through frivolous spending on a massive scale he managed to run his billion dollar estate into the ground, leading him to declare bankruptcy. I'm pretty sure that death lets you off the hook for debt, but if Michael Jackson was going to sneak away to live a secret life somewhere you can bet he won't be found in a spider hole in someone's basement. No, the King of Pop is going to need to have a hush-hush palace somewhere exotic, and to do that he'll need some cash.

What a coincidence: there is the strange affair of the on-again-off-again auction of his stuff. Sometime after the sale of Neverland Ranch, with creditors still slapping him with threats of legal action to recoup their debts, Michael decided to try and raise some funds by agreeing to sell off some of his most prized possessions. He contacted an auction firm, who decided to promote the sale and entice a bidding war for some of Michael's most famous memorabilia, such as his white sequined glove and life size statue of himself, by displayed the items in an public exhibition. However, the auction never took place, as Michael unexpectedly sued the auctioneers, stating that he had never agreed for the items to be sold off.

Think there will be a bidding war for those items now? And all of that cash will funnel directly into the Michael Jackson estate. A few furtive bank transfers to off shore accounts later and there's your private island bought.

Escape from tour pressures
As well as escaping his financial pressures, in death Michael would be free of his massive tour obligations. This over-sized, over-hyped and over-priced tour was ill-fated from the get go, but that didn't stop thousands of fans paying hundreds of dollars for a chance to see their idol on stage one last time. In fact, the tour dramatically publicized by Michael as his last ever public performance, after which he hinted that he would step out of the public eye. Perhaps his plan was always to 'disappear' immediately afterwards, but as the time to don his sparkles and spandex drew closer, was the pressure too much for him to bear?

His death has certainly brought him a less negative backlash from the media than the cancellation of the tour would have. It makes me angry that the press who were so quick to crucify him during his life have now been so eager to say that he is 'performing for the angels.'

Of course, I have no evidence to support my theory other than motivation for him to disappear. I can't for example, explain how he could possibly have found a body double to be rushed out of his house covered in blankets and an oxygen mask, or how he could have bribed or hired nurses and doctors to leak specific information to the press, nor can I comment on how he could leave his children behind despite the fact that he is only person who can actually identify his children since they have worn masks at any public sighting.

But would it be so outlandish to suggest that like so many superstars before him such as Marilyn Monroe and Elvis, Michael Jackson wanted his legend to live on past his own mortality?

A sad end to a sad life
Perhaps his dear friend Uri Geller could be hiding him in his basement? He was, after all, quick to use the star's death as a platform to rub away some of the tarnish that had accumulated on the eccentric entertainer's reputation over the years. Despite telling Sky News that he was 'speechless' over the loss of his friend, he was keen to talk surprisingly frankly, and at great length, about issues that MJ has kept close lipped about over the past fifteen years.

Although Uri claimed to always have believe in his friend and stood by him during the accusations of child molestation beginning in 2005, he also said that he had once questioned Michael about it under hypnosis. Michael had asked Uri to treat him with hypnosis to help with him 'stop eating a certain food he didn't want to touch.' Admitting that his actions were highly unethical, Uri stated that after he had put Michael into a hypnotic state, he asked him if he had ever inappropriately touched a child. Apparently from his deep hypnotic state, where I suppose we are meant to assume lies are not possible, Michael immediately and emphatically replied no.

So no trust issues in that friendship then.

Uri also said that during honest and open conversations with the star, Michael said that he was a very 'lonely man', and that he had only embarked on his excessive plastic surgeries because he didn't want to look like his Father.

Ouch.

Wherever Michael is, in Heaven or in hiding, I hope he has found more peace than he ever knew in this world.